Happy holidays, everyone
As promised, as judged by a panel of international experts (almost all of whom are now free on bail), the following puns that appeared each month in either the newsletter or the cover note, were rated as favorites during the past year.
January: (This was a rare month in which all puns drew kudos)
Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a very poor king, but an excellent ruler.
Two antennae got married. The ceremony was just okay, but the reception was excellent.
Why did Little Miss Muffet have a GPS in her tuffet? She kept losing her whey.
February:
(A bit of a different entry – there was a “pun-ish” type verse titled
“The Division of Labor at the Lone Ranger’s Campsite.”)
With the Lone Ranger’s hemorrhoids inflamed and sorely aching
Tonto chased the bad guys
While the Ranger did the baking.
March:
Why can’t you hear anything when a pterodactyl uses the restroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.
Studies show that cows produce more when the farmer talks to them.
It is the case of in one ear and out the udder.
April:
Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
The doctor gave the patient some anti-gloating cream. Now all he wants to do is rub it in.
May:
Two chickens went on a safari. What is the proper name for a trip of that nature? An eggsspedition.
NASA launched several cows into space. It became known as the herd shot around the world.
What do you call two birds stuck together? Velcrows.
June:
There was no newsletter this month. Among other places, we spent time in Iceland attempting to learn to speak Icelandic. We failed. (But that was okay, because everyone we met spoke English better than we did.)
July:
What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 007.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender “is this stool taken?”
A hispanic magician told his audience that he would disappear at the count of three. He said “uno, dos,” then poof, he vanished without a “tres.”
Where do bad rainbows go? To prisms … it’s a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect.
August:
A Frenchman named Lautrec opened a women’s clothing store. He was new to the trade and mistakenly ordered blouses only in the size XXX Large. The first customer who tried one on immediately told him “It’s too loose, Lautrec.”
You should avoid using “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
September:
Running into a stationary object may cause damage to both the individual and the structure … according to a recent pole.
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one.
October:
As we were rushing my injured friend to the hospital, we asked her several times what her blood type was. She just kept answering “Be positive.” Even at the emergency room she kept saying “Be positive, be positive.” We were very touched that even though she was badly hurt, she was concerned about our feelings. We miss her.
November:
My wife’s birthday is coming soon. Lately I’ve been finding dozens of jewelry magazines scattered all over the living room floor. So I bought her a magazine rack.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see if one would win the grand prize. No pun in ten did.
December:
A few requests over the past years have indicated that some readers miss the David Letternan’s “Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines” we used for a time in December newsletters. To close the year, here are three of the favorite ones:
I hope these bring a smile to help light your way through the holiday season. Thanks and blessings to all for your interest and many gracious comments throughout the year.
Best always,
Tom
As promised, as judged by a panel of international experts (almost all of whom are now free on bail), the following puns that appeared each month in either the newsletter or the cover note, were rated as favorites during the past year.
January: (This was a rare month in which all puns drew kudos)
Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a very poor king, but an excellent ruler.
Two antennae got married. The ceremony was just okay, but the reception was excellent.
Why did Little Miss Muffet have a GPS in her tuffet? She kept losing her whey.
February:
(A bit of a different entry – there was a “pun-ish” type verse titled
“The Division of Labor at the Lone Ranger’s Campsite.”)
With the Lone Ranger’s hemorrhoids inflamed and sorely aching
Tonto chased the bad guys
While the Ranger did the baking.
March:
Why can’t you hear anything when a pterodactyl uses the restroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.
Studies show that cows produce more when the farmer talks to them.
It is the case of in one ear and out the udder.
April:
Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
The doctor gave the patient some anti-gloating cream. Now all he wants to do is rub it in.
May:
Two chickens went on a safari. What is the proper name for a trip of that nature? An eggsspedition.
NASA launched several cows into space. It became known as the herd shot around the world.
What do you call two birds stuck together? Velcrows.
June:
There was no newsletter this month. Among other places, we spent time in Iceland attempting to learn to speak Icelandic. We failed. (But that was okay, because everyone we met spoke English better than we did.)
July:
What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 007.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender “is this stool taken?”
A hispanic magician told his audience that he would disappear at the count of three. He said “uno, dos,” then poof, he vanished without a “tres.”
Where do bad rainbows go? To prisms … it’s a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect.
August:
A Frenchman named Lautrec opened a women’s clothing store. He was new to the trade and mistakenly ordered blouses only in the size XXX Large. The first customer who tried one on immediately told him “It’s too loose, Lautrec.”
You should avoid using “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
September:
Running into a stationary object may cause damage to both the individual and the structure … according to a recent pole.
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one.
October:
As we were rushing my injured friend to the hospital, we asked her several times what her blood type was. She just kept answering “Be positive.” Even at the emergency room she kept saying “Be positive, be positive.” We were very touched that even though she was badly hurt, she was concerned about our feelings. We miss her.
November:
My wife’s birthday is coming soon. Lately I’ve been finding dozens of jewelry magazines scattered all over the living room floor. So I bought her a magazine rack.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see if one would win the grand prize. No pun in ten did.
December:
A few requests over the past years have indicated that some readers miss the David Letternan’s “Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines” we used for a time in December newsletters. To close the year, here are three of the favorite ones:
- I can get you off the naughty list.
- Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn’t mean I’m a sissy.
- I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys.
I hope these bring a smile to help light your way through the holiday season. Thanks and blessings to all for your interest and many gracious comments throughout the year.
Best always,
Tom
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